The Kingdom

There is a guy, who’s name is Jack.

He wants to find a girlfriend, and to save the world. Why? Because an evil entity humiliated him, made him feel bad, and stole his former girl.

He is walking in the forest, which is actually a small one near his hometown.

All this, right after going to a bar, to have a beer. He’s walking in the forest, and he meets a bear. But nothing really interesting happens here, aside from this bar beer bear silly pun. Really.

Then, he meets a boar. I’m not even making this up, son. Straight facts.

Again, not much happens. He’s bored. Bored! Bro…

Then, he goes home, and sleeps. He doesn’t actually have enough money to purchase any magical items, not to mention an actual sword, so he just tries to get a good job first, which will hopefully also leave him enough time on the side to practice magic and swordmanship.

It’s really hard, though. A crysis just hit the Kingdom, so for a regular dude like him having a good salary and a stable job is just gonna be stressful, but he also should be really grateful about it. Many people can’t even have that, right?

So, he is often frustrated and stressed out by this condition in which he finds himself to be. He tries not to complain too much about it, he’s not a complainer by any stretch. But still, he doesn’t really enjoy it. No time for sword training, and the girl he likes keeps hanging out with other guys.

The years pass, and he is now 35. The girl is now somebody’s wife, but life has been really unfair with our hero, so he couldn’t really do much about it, right?

The evil guy has now a consolidated empire, with companies and branches all over the country, and Jack’s actually one of his employees. Not even the best of them, mind you, because that’s only a job, for the money, for food and living, you see. Jack’s actually a hero. But nobody really knows. Well, you do now.

I guess.

So a while ago there was this Bad Witch, right?

Wait wait wait wait wait a second…

Did I say Bad Witch? I meant Evil Witch. Evil, like the opposite of Live, cause this person loved more the recording studio’s sessions, for some reason. Oh and, yeah, you got me right. This person. Do you think that all witches are female? Oh my Lord Jesus Christ, forgive us from our sins and deliver us from evil, what are you, a bigot??

Everybody nowadays knows that witches aren’t actually female only. They’re non-binary.

So, onto this story.

The Evil Witch was conniving her next Evil Deed. Wait, sure as hell I said her! This particular Witch happened to be actually female. Yeah, sometimes that happens too, you medieval chauvinist pig! I bet you are a male instead, aren’t you?

The Evil Deed consisted in giving birth to a very special Being. A Being that would incinerate the Earth with its madness and infinitely unstoppable power. This guy would in fact be a suffering being, the Prince (or Princess) of Pain, so to speak. He would be a being of tremendous suffering, a being who will suffer so much for the will of his own mother, that he would eventually accumulate inside enough energy to blow the entire planet out with a single, authoritative breath.

The world needed a Hero, and luckily for all, there was one. Enter the White Mage.

The White Mage was a white male, and as such he was very privileged. When he was younger he got access to all sorts of privileges that non-white non-males usually don’t get. While he was amassing potions and books in his white mansion with his white riches and white bitches (and all the colors of the rainbow, for good measure), all the other witches were just playing in the ghetto or knitting or some shit.

Oh, and he was also straight. Just for the record.

So, this Straight Cis White Mage’s magic skills were actually the best in the country. You could say they were supreme, so people just called him, the White Supremacist Mage.

He thought that was a little bit too much.

Hey hey hey hey hey… What? Like, I’m not actually racist at all, I just happened to be a Caucasian magical dude with a white dick. I know about all the controversies that are going ’round in the Kingdom and shit. Don’t wanna get too involved, my friends, you feel me? What about the Badass Mage? Huh? At least I’m fighting Evil, motherfuckers! Where’s your King now instead, huh? Probably tweeting from his fucking bunker?

Aight, anyway. Let’s get back to our lore for a second.

The White Mage was finally ready for battle. He ought to do something. By the way, he had a long white beard, and a calm look in his eyes. He was really cool, and everybody respected him. He even had a red hat and a red robe, and every kid wanted to be touched by him. Actually he was pretty gay.

No time for this though. The Evil Witch was just going to initiate the ritual!

So, well, what do you want me to say at this point, son. He went to the Witch’s house, and… Well. You know how this game goes. He did what he should do. He just, BLAM! Yeah, you betcha. He went there and, KABLOOM! Oh boy, he did. He collocated himself in the property where her residence was registered, and abruptly snapped out of his composure, all of a sudden and with a loud and unhingedly bizzare sound. JIBEEEEEEEEEEEEENGS! BITTY BOING! BITTY BOING BITTY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUH….. ZAM. I don’t know if that’s a sound man, let’s go on with whatever we got here, we’re almost over.

He banged her. BANG!

By that I mean, he casted the Bang Spell onto her, and thus unequivocally unambiguously banged her in the Witch.

The rest, my dear Princes and Princesses, is fucking history.